This week I saw it again. A person taken away from the visiting room unexpectedly and their loved one left sitting.. crying.
I wanted to walk over and give her a hug. Before I could move, a kind hearted prison warden was by her side with their hand on her shoulder comforting her, handing her a tissue. Bless that prison warden!
I wanted to say to the woman ‘ You are not alone’. I too have been where you are and felt the shame. At the time it happened on my visit I knew that if the wardens saw and heard the threats and abuse, everyone else in the room did too. I felt so helpless and pathetic. I could see the others looking at me. I didn’t want their sympathy. I just wished that the floor would swallow me up!
I wanted to tell the woman that no-one in that room would have looked down on her in judgement. Instead, we sit with her in her grief. Many of us have visited someone who was responding out of anger, frustration, whatever had just happened in the unit, or was still unsaid from previous conversations. It was not my fault nor that particular women that the other person decided to let it out on us in our visit.
I don’t think those inside realise sometimes how much it takes to walk inside a prison for a visit, the impact of sitting in court, dealing with questions let alone trying to manage what else life throws at you. Many don’t understand how much energy it takes to hold the pain of everyone in the family outside alongside of the person inside too. Don’t they say the loved ones get hurt the most!
I hope that when the time is safe, right and the pain has eased that this woman will feel able to come again and hold her head up. I know she will come again.. we often live with the expectation this is our role and we need to be there. Sometimes, we need to take a break from visiting for our own sanity, and to show that although we can understand why it happens, that it isn’t healthy or appropriate. It can highlight that we need to review those boundaries.
Next time you see that woman, or that man who had their visit cut short, take the opportunity to smile at them. Tell them to keep strong. Let them know that as a community with someone inside that we are with them. Let’s show we care!
Check out an earlier post on this topic ‘Visiting room sabotage’.