A visit cut short

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This week I saw it again.  A person taken away from the visiting room unexpectedly and their loved one left sitting.. crying.

I wanted to walk over and give her a hug. Before I could move, a kind hearted prison warden was by her side with their hand on her shoulder comforting her, handing her a tissue. Bless that prison warden!

I wanted to say to the woman ‘ You are not alone’. I too have been where you are and felt the shame. At the time it happened on my visit I knew that if the wardens saw and heard the threats and abuse, everyone else in the room did too. I felt so helpless and pathetic. I could see the others looking at me. I didn’t want their sympathy. I just wished that the floor would swallow me up!

I wanted to tell the woman that no-one in that room would have looked down on her in judgement. Instead, we sit with her in her grief. Many of us have visited someone who was responding out of anger, frustration, whatever had just happened in the unit, or was still unsaid from previous conversations.  It was not my fault nor that particular women that the other person decided to let it out on us in our visit.

I don’t think those inside realise sometimes how much it takes to walk inside a prison for a visit, the impact of sitting in court, dealing with questions let alone trying to manage what else life throws at you.  Many don’t understand how much energy it takes to hold the pain of everyone in the family outside alongside of the person inside too.  Don’t they say the loved ones get hurt the most!

I hope that when the time is safe, right and the pain has eased that this woman will feel able to come again and hold her head up. I know she will come again.. we often live with the expectation this is our role and we need to be there.  Sometimes, we need to take a break from visiting for our own sanity, and to show that although we can understand why it happens, that it isn’t healthy or appropriate.  It can highlight that we need to review those boundaries.

Next time you see that woman, or that man who had their visit cut short, take the opportunity to smile at them. Tell them to keep strong. Let them know that as a community with someone inside that we are with them.  Let’s show we care!

Check out an earlier post on this topic ‘Visiting room sabotage’.

 

Coronavirus

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A new word has entered the vocabulary of most of us.  Coronavirus or COVID-19.  There has been panic buying leaving no toilet paper or hand sanitiser in many supermarkets. Both New Zealand and Australia have gone into various stages of  lock down to try to curb the rising numbers of people testing positive for COVID-19.  The world is certainly a different place than a month ago!

For those of us with someone inside, the fear of what might happen to them is also not far from the front of our minds.  Will there be an outbreak in prison?  Will this mean  more violence? So far the worst nightmare of COVID-19 entering the prisons and people detained getting unwell has not happened either in Australia or New Zealand thanks to the efforts of Corrections staff to try to keep the place free from the virus.

This does mean however that visits have been stopped, and in some prisons total lock down to cells is also being implemented to help people stay safe – especially for new people coming into the prison. More resources are being given to increase access to emails and phone calls.  Phone cards are even being provided each week in New Zealand so that people can make contact with those at home.

I try to concentrate on the efforts that have been made to stop the virus from getting into the prison.  Sure I don’t like that we cannot visit and especially that there are longer lock up times.  At times I also have those ‘what if’ thoughts.  Thinking negatively though can drain us and lead us from anxiety to rumination to depression.

Now is the time to stand up to those thoughts and move into a different way of thinking.  Instead of fear, we can come from a strength that although we know there is little we can do about the situation, we can stay safe and positive for our person inside. It may be difficult but we can choose to stay strong because they need us to.  We may be getting a little taste of being inside through the lock down where we cannot leave and do all the things we want.  I am using it to think of other ways I can support my person inside when I email – which I am doing more regularly so that we are still keeping connected.  I too have given the lecture on how to hand wash properly just to make sure though (yes there are some good you tube clips if you are not sure you are washing your hands properly to get rid of all germs). 

We know this virus may move on, or it may stay with us and we all adapt to life differently.  I remind myself that this situation is temporary and there will be a time we will see our loved ones again soon. In the meantime I remind myself that they and ourselves are as safe as can be. 

You are not alone.  We are in this together where ever we live.

Kia Kaha – Stay strong!

 

 

 

 

Expectations

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Today I was challenged by something that was said (I am sure in a kind way) but it led to a spiral of many thoughts.  After thinking through what happened, I realised that at the bottom of all of it was my expectations. Let me give you some examples.

So the lawyer makes a call that you just cant understand.  You realise it will mean longer time inside for your person.  What was my expectation of the lawyer?  I expect that justice will prevail. I expect the lawyer will be fair and do the best they can for my person.  I expect that even if a person has a lawyer through legal aid that they should get the same care and response from a lawyer who is paid.  We know unfortunately both expectations are not always correct. Because the lawyer hasn’t met my expectations I can get as angry and upset as I like.  Or I can re-adjust my expectations and live with the fact as much as I don’t like it that not all lawyers are upstanding – and look for another lawyer!

I expect from all the stories I have heard over the years before my person went inside that all prison staff are mean, miserable and out to spew punishment of those inside as well as those visiting.  Sure, I have seen a couple of experiences of overhanded behaviour that border on intimidation and threat – and yes do report these.  I have also however seen more caring behaviour to myself and others where staff have gone out of their way to show kindness and express empathy.  My expectations here were challenged in a positive way which in turn changes the way I think about and speak to staff that are trying to do a difficult job.  Where I see or experience excellent care, I write to the custodial manager and let them know. Everyone deserves recognition for good deeds – even prison officers.

Many times I used to sit in the visiting room and expect the other people in the room to be different from me. I expected I wouldn’t have anything in common with them (someone I missed the fact that we all have someone inside!)  This meant I didn’t go out of my way to be friendly or talk to them.  Thank goodness I got over myself and saw that my expectation was unrealistic and judgemental. I expect instead now that others in the room are hurting and going through just as much as I am. They have had their values challenged just as much as I have.  They experience society’s judgements on family members of people in prison the same as I do. Instead of letting my wrong expectations rule my behaviour, I am glad I saw the expectations I had of others in the room for what they were- isolating, uncaring, setting me up as better than others.  Instead I try to walk in the room, smile and say hello to someone else. I have now met so many new people, learnt new things, and experienced support – all in the waiting room.

Finally what about the expectations I have of myself.  To be honest, I expect I should manage everything that is happening beautifully and be at peace all the time. I should set a perfect example even when people or systems frustrate me. I should not get angry or show signs of tears.  I should be able to post insightful and funny posts on facebook or twitter, and laugh and be happy all the time. Even though I feel like I am going through hell, I expect I can continue to do all the activities I used to do with the same amount of energy and more.

What expectations are the most unrealistic? Its easy in hindsight to see that it is those  I have of myself. If I were even half of what I expect myself to be would make me God or at least an angel. Why do I expect something of myself that humanly isn’t possible?  Of all the examples of expectations above, this expectation is the most life restricting.  In trying to meet my own expectations of myself, I can never actually be who I am.  I can also never be truly there for my person inside or the rest of the family.

This years challenge… (and yes I am already too late for new years resolutions), is to be more realistic about what I can and can’t do with everything that is happening.  It is to expect that I be me, the person who will laugh and be happy, and also at times cry and feel overwhelmed.  That’s a typical expectation of a human in these circumstances.  I might even try to give myself a break!  Or even tell someone else I could do with a coffee so they can give me some needed support.

As Louise Hay says.. letting go of the expectations frees me to be me. What are your expectations that might be holding you back too?