A holiday….

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Christmas has come and gone and everyone is talking about going away. So when did you last have a holiday? Or do you feel like I did that I couldn’t have one.  I couldn’t have one because the person I loved was in a place where they were not allowed to take a holiday to some exotic island.  How could I go and do something that was enjoyable when they are suffering?

It might also mean that I miss out on visiting that person. I mean, in their limited world, I had to make sure I was there to visit right?  It wouldn’t be fair otherwise right?

I had the opportunity to have a holiday at one time.  With all those thoughts above going through my head, I felt guilty the whole time.  I didn’t enjoy it one bit.

It took something I read to challenge me about what I was choosing to put myself through.  I hadn’t thought I was choosing.  I was the one landed in this place by the other person and their behaviour that put them in prison.  That was no choice!

And no, it wasn’t a choice you or I had.  What I didn’t take on board  through all this was that although I didn’t have a choice in living with someone in prison, I actually did have a choice in how I wanted to continue to live.

I could actually choose what I did and did not do each day.  I could choose to deny myself pleasures because of guilt.  Or I could reframe it and understand that I needed to especially need to treat myself due to all the additional stress I was under to stay well.   I could stay at home and not take a holiday, or I could say, you know.. here is an opportunity to renew my own energy and strength so I can be more present for the person inside.

So, I challenge you.. when is your next holiday.  It could be just staying with friends or family  for a night to get away from it all, or an overseas trip.

Take a break!  You deserve it!

 

It’s Christmas Day….

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It.s Christmas morning and you are already wondering how you will get through the day. Salads to finish, the BBQ to prepare, and presents to open. Let’s not minimise trying to deal with different family members also.

When you then realise because you were in another room that you have just missed your phone call from the prison for the day, it doesn’t take much to throw you off balance. Just the thought alone is enough to send you into the shower to cry cause it’s one place where no one will see your tears as you try to hold it all together.

Christmas is a day that traditionally families get together. However as much as you love everyone, and want them all there, having a person missing, sitting in a cell takes a lot of the joy away. One may not feel like celebrating.

You wonder what that person is doing. One reader told me all the people in their men’s prison unit got a bunch of flowers yesterday for Christmas. Just the thought brought a smile trying to picture the setting. Most prisons also put on a Christmas lunch. Maybe even a church service. Something happens, even if we aren’t there.

It is hard however doing Christmas knowing someone isn’t joining you this year. There are many times in life that we hold it together just to get through. That may be it for you for today.. just surviving Christmas and that’s ok.

If you believe in the birth of a child who is the king of the universe, it’s a day that reminds you there is hope and that life will not always be as sad or draining as it might be today. If you believe its just another day with the over commercialisation and a big jolly Santa, then forget the society messages and treat it as just another day, one like every other day you have made it through so far.

If there are family at home today give them a hug, because they are there. For those alone, I encourage you to take up an invitation to join someone else today, or visit the community Christmas lunch. You may not feel like it, but sometimes not being alone with your thoughts may be the best medicine. If you don’t feel like company, the perhaps do something different like going for a walk, taking a drive, or reading a book to take your mind to a more positive place.

Whatever you do, don’t put more pressure on you than you need to pretend everything is ok. It’s not okay. You are allowed to cry, feel sad, and share a moment to think what if things were different. Then pull your pants up, take a big breath and know that together we can get through another day.. Christmas Day.

If today is all feeling too overwhelming and you can’t seem to get past it, please call lifeline, beyond blue, Samaritan’s or any other telephone counselling service you have in your area. People will answer even on Christmas Day because they too know how hard this time of the year can be, especially if someone is missing from the room.

Know today someone is thinking about you! You are not forgotten.

Merry Christmas!

Nadia

It’s Christmas again…

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Christmas tree 2It’s Christmas again. Birthdays and Christmas hit me hard as I am sure they do you too. Its difficult to think of the last nice Christmas,  you know in the setting that everyone thinks of… laughter, plenty of food, everyone loving….

Doing Christmas just seems so much harder with someone inside. I wrote a post last Christmas where I talked about the year I struggled to put up the Christmas tree. This year, true to what I wrote, the Christmas tree is up, the decorations are on, and there are even some presents underneath.

Sure I have still shed tears this past week knowing our special person is not at home. But I try to keep my thinking from going to the deep dark places.. Here are three of my intentional thinking tips for this year. They come from a book I have recently read called ‘The Resilience Project’ by Hugh Van Cuylenburg. You might want to try thinking about one thing under each heading each day as I am currently doing.

What have I been grateful for?  

In the book mentioned above it describes gratefulness as ‘paying attention to what you have instead of what you don’t have’. I know there are a lot of things that i am grateful for in life.  But knowing that a lot of my grief comes from the whole prison process, I have tried this year to focus on the good things i have had in this process this year and not just the sad and worrying times that have also been present.

I am grateful through it all my person is alive. I can talk to them on the phone and even send an email. I am grateful that probably I get more communication now than I have had for many years due to their circumstances. This year I am grateful for the special visits I have been given on occasions. I am grateful for the kindness of the female warden this last week who comforted a crying woman in the visiting room.  I too am grateful for the tissues passed to me by other wardens. I am also really grateful for the other people who in the visiting room who are friendly and speak a kind word. I have needed that time and again.

How can I intentionally show care to others around me?

When we do something nice for others, even something little, a chemical called oxytocin tin is released in our brains. This helps us feel happy, joyful and love. I can make sure I smile at someone new in the visiting room at my next visit.  I think of other children who wont have mum or dad home for Christmas and make a small donation because I don’t want them to be worse off. I go through my cupboard and donate clothes I haven’t worn this year to the thrift shop.  I give a christmas card to the elderly neighbour next door.

How can I take time to just stop and focus on the moment each day?

Mindfulness is an ancient tradition and many including me find it too hard.  That’s normal when there is a lot of stress or trauma from the past or present. Some find it easier to be mindful when they take a walk around the block, or read an inspirational passage and reflect on it, or listen to a 2 minute meditation on a meditation ap. I just needed to actually stop!  It helped this last week when I got sick and was made to stop!  A good reminder that none of us can keep going like we sometimes do.

The benefits though are  I am starting to feel more in control of my thoughts – and I will certainly need it leading up to Christmas day!

So this Christmas try a gift for yourself… giving yourself the keys to a happier, content and fulfilling life in 2020 no matter what the situation is!