It’s Christmas again…

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Christmas tree 2It’s Christmas again. Birthdays and Christmas hit me hard as I am sure they do you too. Its difficult to think of the last nice Christmas,  you know in the setting that everyone thinks of… laughter, plenty of food, everyone loving….

Doing Christmas just seems so much harder with someone inside. I wrote a post last Christmas where I talked about the year I struggled to put up the Christmas tree. This year, true to what I wrote, the Christmas tree is up, the decorations are on, and there are even some presents underneath.

Sure I have still shed tears this past week knowing our special person is not at home. But I try to keep my thinking from going to the deep dark places.. Here are three of my intentional thinking tips for this year. They come from a book I have recently read called ‘The Resilience Project’ by Hugh Van Cuylenburg. You might want to try thinking about one thing under each heading each day as I am currently doing.

What have I been grateful for?  

In the book mentioned above it describes gratefulness as ‘paying attention to what you have instead of what you don’t have’. I know there are a lot of things that i am grateful for in life.  But knowing that a lot of my grief comes from the whole prison process, I have tried this year to focus on the good things i have had in this process this year and not just the sad and worrying times that have also been present.

I am grateful through it all my person is alive. I can talk to them on the phone and even send an email. I am grateful that probably I get more communication now than I have had for many years due to their circumstances. This year I am grateful for the special visits I have been given on occasions. I am grateful for the kindness of the female warden this last week who comforted a crying woman in the visiting room.  I too am grateful for the tissues passed to me by other wardens. I am also really grateful for the other people who in the visiting room who are friendly and speak a kind word. I have needed that time and again.

How can I intentionally show care to others around me?

When we do something nice for others, even something little, a chemical called oxytocin tin is released in our brains. This helps us feel happy, joyful and love. I can make sure I smile at someone new in the visiting room at my next visit.  I think of other children who wont have mum or dad home for Christmas and make a small donation because I don’t want them to be worse off. I go through my cupboard and donate clothes I haven’t worn this year to the thrift shop.  I give a christmas card to the elderly neighbour next door.

How can I take time to just stop and focus on the moment each day?

Mindfulness is an ancient tradition and many including me find it too hard.  That’s normal when there is a lot of stress or trauma from the past or present. Some find it easier to be mindful when they take a walk around the block, or read an inspirational passage and reflect on it, or listen to a 2 minute meditation on a meditation ap. I just needed to actually stop!  It helped this last week when I got sick and was made to stop!  A good reminder that none of us can keep going like we sometimes do.

The benefits though are  I am starting to feel more in control of my thoughts – and I will certainly need it leading up to Christmas day!

So this Christmas try a gift for yourself… giving yourself the keys to a happier, content and fulfilling life in 2020 no matter what the situation is!

Sometimes it don’t feel so good

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A good friend reminded me of a commitment we had made to each other last year that we weren’t going to let the fact our family members were inside steal our happiness. I really agree with the concept of thinking positive and trying to see the good things in life. For a long time I had a real sense I was ‘achieving’ the commitment we had made, and thought I had ‘nailed’ this being happy part through all this, but then I got caught up in this really sad place and I couldn’t get myself out of it.

All those intense feelings of sadness mixed with guilt, shame, and tiredness just flooded back and overwhelmed again. Was I indulging in a pity party? Was I letting down other members in my family because I had no energy? Was I not relying on my faith enough?

Why couldn’t I just let this go and stop doing the time again for my family member?

When my friend reminded me of our commitment, it felt like I was failing. It seemed like she was saying I should pull myself together and get through this.. like ‘just stop it!’ I know she probably didn’t mean this, but it kind of didn’t help. I just didn’t feel I had the energy at the time to try to be happy just because she said I should be joyful. I then turned down the lunch date and started to avoid her as I felt I wasn’t doing good enough to meet her expectations.

If this describes how you feel sometimes, you are in good company. Not all days are the same. Nothing in life is a bed of roses all the time, and that’s ok because that is life. Having someone inside makes it more likely we will have hard sad days. It’s inevitable. When someone is inside the grieving process is continuous. Part of this because you can’t be with that person, and you know what they are missing out on, but also because there are also many things out of our control. Many unanswered whys, and a big part of us is locked away literally. And sometimes the only way to get back to a better place is to allow yourself permission to be sad for a time.

During these times keep practicing healthy coping strategies such as exercise, getting out in nature, and eating properly. Spend time with people who are important to you, and ring that friend on speed dial – the one that gets all this, and you can call anytime. In some areas there are support groups for people who also have others inside, there is also online support groups such as the Prison Talk Forum (http://www.prisontalk.com/) or Facebook pages such as ‘From Prison to Purpose’ that can give you a sense of hope again.

Many people find journaling or listening to mindfulness or meditation apps can be helpful. Allowing yourself freedom to not do the housework or those extra projects for a few days so you can rest can be good. Better still, what is it you love doing and go do it! Having ready made meals in the freezer for those blue days can help you to look after yourself. My favourite go-to also is keeping that emergency chocolate bar in the cupboard to just treat yourself.

Sometimes however it can get all too much. Many of us have become depressed, found ourselves crying a lot of the time and feeling like you just can’t get out of bed. Talking to your doctor can help. They can help you access counselling, or provide some short term medication (or even send you for a full blood test and help you realise your iron levels are too low which also makes you feel exhausted and unable to cope). They can help suggest things to rebuild your inner strength again and get you through this time.

Know that sad days come to us all. When you wake up and that day is there:

  • Don’t judge yourself for being sad
  • Accept that it’s okay in your circumstances to feel sad and don’t try to fight it
  • Don’t question if you are good enough instead remind yourself you are; and
  • Know you are not failing yourself or anyone.

Sad feelings are normal for someone in our shoes. When they come, accept that you are not at your best, and remind yourself it’s okay to take care of you!

This sadness won’t always be overwhelming . You will find strength, hope and joy again!

A blue Christmas

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‘Have you got all your decorations up?’ I was asked.

Every year I have put on the Christmas carols and decorated the Christmas tree while singing along with family. It was a time when I intentionally thought about the good things that had happened that past year, children’s milestones, different adventures, fun times, but this particular year I couldn’t. I just felt so blue.

How can one could do Christmas when a special person was locked away and not able to be there. I didn’t know how to do this, and lost in my grief and loss, nothing about this time of the year felt like Christmas.

I wanted to cry every time I thought about getting the Christmas tree out. And that year it never came out. The decorations stayed in their boxes.

You are not alone if feeling this way. Others have too and got through it. The following year I read a post on Prison Talk (an online forum for people with someone in prison) that a woman whose son was away set up a Blue Christmas project. Many others joined her and you may want to think of something similar yourself. That year this person put blue lights around the tree – representing that she was feeling blue because a loved one was inside and couldn’t be there. The blue colour she wrote also gave a sense of calm. Other people also posted of putting up blue lights, lighting a blue candle, adding a blue ribbon to a wreath, and similar ideas.

Doing something special, something new with this person in mind can help one feel that they are still part of your Christmas. It may not involve a blue light. It could be a photo decoration with the persons photo inside, it might be something that reminds you of something positive about that person, i.e. an ornament that reflects something they like. Another woman I know makes or buys a new Christmas tree decoration each year that reflects a key event. The year her son went away she hung up a wooden cross with a gold love heart hanging on it. She tells me it still goes up every year although he is out now.

The Blue Christmas project is one idea that I could have energy to do and reflects how I feel. It makes me feel I am not alone in this, there were others with blue lights up too. It also reminds me, that even with someone inside, life still goes on, and I have a contribution to make to those around me – even in keeping family traditions and making the time enjoyable and special for them. Although a lot of our worry and thought is for the one inside, others are just as important.

If you decide to do something, make sure you tell the person inside what you are doing. Let them know when you are putting it up and that it is about remembering them at this time also.

You may decide not to do Christmas like I did the first year. I can’t say it was a great time, and although I felt I didn’t have any energy at that time to do any different, I determined I wouldn’t do that again the next Christmas. It just left me feeling more depressed.

You may also be feeling like this. If so, can I encourage you to talk to someone, whether a friend you know, Lifeline, beyondblue, a counsellor or even your GP. It is hard and none of us can do this alone. We aren’t made that way. There is support available and it can help us be stronger and get through using positive ways of coping.

May I wish you this year no matter your circumstances, a Christmas where you are able to feel love and peace and share that with those around you both inside and out.