Expectations

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Today I was challenged by something that was said (I am sure in a kind way) but it led to a spiral of many thoughts.  After thinking through what happened, I realised that at the bottom of all of it was my expectations. Let me give you some examples.

So the lawyer makes a call that you just cant understand.  You realise it will mean longer time inside for your person.  What was my expectation of the lawyer?  I expect that justice will prevail. I expect the lawyer will be fair and do the best they can for my person.  I expect that even if a person has a lawyer through legal aid that they should get the same care and response from a lawyer who is paid.  We know unfortunately both expectations are not always correct. Because the lawyer hasn’t met my expectations I can get as angry and upset as I like.  Or I can re-adjust my expectations and live with the fact as much as I don’t like it that not all lawyers are upstanding – and look for another lawyer!

I expect from all the stories I have heard over the years before my person went inside that all prison staff are mean, miserable and out to spew punishment of those inside as well as those visiting.  Sure, I have seen a couple of experiences of overhanded behaviour that border on intimidation and threat – and yes do report these.  I have also however seen more caring behaviour to myself and others where staff have gone out of their way to show kindness and express empathy.  My expectations here were challenged in a positive way which in turn changes the way I think about and speak to staff that are trying to do a difficult job.  Where I see or experience excellent care, I write to the custodial manager and let them know. Everyone deserves recognition for good deeds – even prison officers.

Many times I used to sit in the visiting room and expect the other people in the room to be different from me. I expected I wouldn’t have anything in common with them (someone I missed the fact that we all have someone inside!)  This meant I didn’t go out of my way to be friendly or talk to them.  Thank goodness I got over myself and saw that my expectation was unrealistic and judgemental. I expect instead now that others in the room are hurting and going through just as much as I am. They have had their values challenged just as much as I have.  They experience society’s judgements on family members of people in prison the same as I do. Instead of letting my wrong expectations rule my behaviour, I am glad I saw the expectations I had of others in the room for what they were- isolating, uncaring, setting me up as better than others.  Instead I try to walk in the room, smile and say hello to someone else. I have now met so many new people, learnt new things, and experienced support – all in the waiting room.

Finally what about the expectations I have of myself.  To be honest, I expect I should manage everything that is happening beautifully and be at peace all the time. I should set a perfect example even when people or systems frustrate me. I should not get angry or show signs of tears.  I should be able to post insightful and funny posts on facebook or twitter, and laugh and be happy all the time. Even though I feel like I am going through hell, I expect I can continue to do all the activities I used to do with the same amount of energy and more.

What expectations are the most unrealistic? Its easy in hindsight to see that it is those  I have of myself. If I were even half of what I expect myself to be would make me God or at least an angel. Why do I expect something of myself that humanly isn’t possible?  Of all the examples of expectations above, this expectation is the most life restricting.  In trying to meet my own expectations of myself, I can never actually be who I am.  I can also never be truly there for my person inside or the rest of the family.

This years challenge… (and yes I am already too late for new years resolutions), is to be more realistic about what I can and can’t do with everything that is happening.  It is to expect that I be me, the person who will laugh and be happy, and also at times cry and feel overwhelmed.  That’s a typical expectation of a human in these circumstances.  I might even try to give myself a break!  Or even tell someone else I could do with a coffee so they can give me some needed support.

As Louise Hay says.. letting go of the expectations frees me to be me. What are your expectations that might be holding you back too?

I don’t know what to write…

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Receiving letters or email where possible is a highlight for most people in prison. We think about people being locked up but the reality is that the silence can be deafening, just as the song says.  Most prisoners are locked up in their cells for the majority of the day. Sometimes for my person, they have been locked up for  23 out of 24 hours due to staff shortages.  This can break some people who can become lost in their own mind and suffer  mental health issues as a result.

Where one is in a single cell or even shared cells, receiving a letter can be the thing that keeps the person going.  It can remind them that they are of value in the outside world. However it may not be just as easy as writing a few words on a page.

I can remember the first letters I wrote when my person went inside.  I was so angry at them.  How could they do this to themselves, but also to me, to others that were important to their lives.  It was really hard to sit down and write something that might be constructive and be encouraging that they might know that they were loved, but how much I hated the situation.  When I now feel angry about something and am writing to my person, I am intentional to write only a couple of sentences and say I am angry.  It’s no point writing a whole page, not for you or them.  Nothing is going to change the situation right now. It is however important to say what is the ‘elephant in the room’ and get it out there. Having raised it in an email briefly can help you  to talk more about it on a visit if needed.  Just sometimes going into too much detail in an email or letter isn’t the most effective way to deal with something.

Firstly I ask my person what they would like me to write about.  This is different for everyone, however most people I have spoken to say that people just want to know what is happening.  They want to be reminded of normal life on the outside – especially things that are going well.  When things are not going so well, it can add more stress as they cannot do anything to help.  It doesn’t mean to say don’t tell them, but perhaps word it in a way that it is a struggle and you are working through it.

I now structure my email into four sections.  I found when I first started writing that it was really draining as I felt emotionally exhausted thinking about what I was writing.  Memories came up, both good and bad.  The reality of the situation also was overwhelming at times.  I now keep to five sections that we have been found to be useful for my person. It also gave me a template and stopped my tears each time I wrote too.

Section 1: Encouragement and love

For my person I always start my letters or emails saying I love them and some words to the effect they are missed.  They tell me that it is important for them to know they are still a person, that they have been heard and someone is batting for them. No matter how angry I feel, I know how important this is for them to hear this. Being angry is my issue, not theirs – yes even if their behaviour caused bad things to happen to me, being angry is my problem. This doesn’t mean I don’t address their behaviour and let it go.  I just don’t start out every email by not letting them forget it.

I also try to encourage them to continue with some positive behaviour or actions they have told me they are trying. If there is only a short time left of the lag, I might remind them of that and what activities we have planned for when they get out.

Section 2: Family updates.

I talk about general family things, and anything interesting I might be doing.  Some people have asked if that would make it worse for the person as they would feel they are being left out.  Everyone is different as mentioned above and important for you to ask your person.  Take note though that if this is the first time a person is inside, they may not yet know what they want, so check in with them after a few letters/emails and see if what you have written is helpful.

Section 3. An inspirational story or wise sayings

My person states they really enjoy this, and I don’t know if this is also more beneficial for them or me.  My person says reading these stories and quotes inspires them to be better.  They have plenty of time to think about the messages in these stories and quotes and how they could apply it to their lives.  They also share them with others in their unit. I now have a list of sites on the intranet where I can easily find inspirational stories and quotes and put one into each email.

Section 4: Logic puzzles or jokes

Keeping ones brain active can be challenging in a prison where there is little decision making or choice.  My person enjoys doing logic puzzles and working out riddles and jokes. Putting one of these in each email is an opportunity for them to use brain cells that might otherwise be dormant during their time in prison. It gives them something to also talk to others about. Even if they are poor dad jokes!

Just like with the stories, I have created a list of websites that have logic puzzles, riddles and jokes in them so I can just pull out one and put it in the email.  Do remember that on some sites, jokes may often contain bad language.  Emails can be stopped if there is bad language in them.  If you want your emails to get through, do read them jokes, (and also stories – I did have one story I missed the swear word and I got the advice email back from Corrections facility giving me a warning!)

Section 5: Saying goodbye

My person says that reading they are loved is the most important thing in every email.  Saying goodbye is a chance for you to say you love them again.

Finally  people ask me often should they write?  That is really up to you.  In the first year I pushed myself to write everyday and felt guilty if I didn’t.  It took its toll in both the time to do this, but also other relationships in my life.  I found I couldn’t keep this up, and also started to see email writing a burden.  I had to question why I was doing this.

I now write 2 – 3 times per week and my person is happy with this.  I also feel that this amount is sustainable and allows me to continue living. Think about not only what the person inside may need, but what you also need.

Happy writing!

 

Visiting room sabotage

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Sometimes visits just don’t go according to the way you had it in your mind. I remember er once it got so tense we just called it quits, well my person inside did and I felt embarrassed with everyone staring at us as he walked off. I too kicked myself further for not getting it right. Talking with others, this was not an isolated incident and many spoke about tense visits where they wished they hadn’t even gone.

Over time I learnt there were some ‘rules’ that I could put into practice so that our visits could go better. These helped a lot.

This week I read an article on visit rules written by an ex prisoner and now author Lennie Spitale. Lennie spells out the 10 rules for visits much clearer than I ever could. They all just make sense too!

Happy reading (click on the link below) and here’s to more successful visits!

https://www.prisonfellowship.org/resources/support-friends-family-of-prisoners/prisoner-resources/visiting-room-sabotage/