The sales are on and everyone is shopping for gifts for loved ones. There’s bright Christmas music playing and lots of red and green tinsel all around. And today we put up the Christmas tree!
For those that have been following this blog, our loved one has been inside for a few years, and is still inside for yet another Christmas. We know what its like to have that empty seat at the table, not being able to hear their laughter or have them join in pulling crackers.
As I hung up the Christmas tree decoration I made in the early days, I still feel the loss, but the tears didnt spill out this time. Instead, we know the routine. He cant be here, but I know can still do some little things that I know can make a big difference. Being able to do these helps at this time of the year.
These are some of the little things I have learnt over the years that I can do to help both of us.
1. The prison canteen usually has some Christmas treats like Christmas cake or tarts, something that can remind them over home. They have to however be ordered a few weeks before Christmas so a little extra money goes into the prison account for him.
2. Talking of food the prison canteen usually doesn’t operate for a few weeks over Christmas where he is. I want him to have some extra food over this time, so I get him the regular money I put in for food so he can stock up when the canteen is shut.
3. It takes about 3 – 4 weeks to get a Christmas card in, so this gets planned early. I have learnt that some prisons don’t like creative cards that might have ribbons or strings on them. Cards don’t quite look the same once the prison personnel have pulled these off. So now, they are just more simple cards that contain words with meaning. I some people inside keep every card they get. My son doesn’t. But I know, again he has it written how much he is still loved. He is still remembered as a person.
4. What is Christmas without gifts? I cant buy my son a Christmas gift, but one gift for us all is being able to talk on Christmas Day. Although we have a free call number set up, I make sure to send in some phone cards so he can also call others on his phone list. I make sure I send them early, knowing it takes a few weeks to get to him also. Just hearing from him on Christmas Day brightens the day for us.
5. I also plan early with my son around some small gifts he would like me to buy for others. Talking about these things when he phones gives us both some kind of sense of normality. It’s a way that he feels he can also let others know he cares.
6. Finally I hang up the simple, heartfelt Christmas decoration. As you can see below it was simple. Just a small off cut of wood I shaped by hand. I felt like I had died inside, hence the cross like you see on graves. I left it plain and raw, just as I felt. Finally I added a small silver heart from a necklace in the drawer. This represented that although the harshness of reality was there and overwhelming, love, and hope was there too. I know the shape is an all too familiar image for some, and often with negative connotations, but in my time of need this Christmas decoration reflected all the fear, loss, guilt, pain that I felt that year, and still feel. Putting it up today reminded me of those first few Christmases. This year it was not only of the hard memories though, along with the memories were the thoughts of how we are also still here. We are stronger than we thought we were.
If this is your first Christmas without your loved one, I and others know how difficult it can be. We are thinking of you this Christmas. You can get through the day and the season. You may want to look at some of the past Christmas blogs to get some validation, and some ideas that might help you at this time.
To all, may you feel peace at this time. I look forward to a Christmas in the future when our family can all be together in the same room again and wish the same for you too.