Today I was challenged by something that was said (I am sure in a kind way) but it led to a spiral of many thoughts. After thinking through what happened, I realised that at the bottom of all of it was my expectations. Let me give you some examples.
So the lawyer makes a call that you just cant understand. You realise it will mean longer time inside for your person. What was my expectation of the lawyer? I expect that justice will prevail. I expect the lawyer will be fair and do the best they can for my person. I expect that even if a person has a lawyer through legal aid that they should get the same care and response from a lawyer who is paid. We know unfortunately both expectations are not always correct. Because the lawyer hasn’t met my expectations I can get as angry and upset as I like. Or I can re-adjust my expectations and live with the fact as much as I don’t like it that not all lawyers are upstanding – and look for another lawyer!
I expect from all the stories I have heard over the years before my person went inside that all prison staff are mean, miserable and out to spew punishment of those inside as well as those visiting. Sure, I have seen a couple of experiences of overhanded behaviour that border on intimidation and threat – and yes do report these. I have also however seen more caring behaviour to myself and others where staff have gone out of their way to show kindness and express empathy. My expectations here were challenged in a positive way which in turn changes the way I think about and speak to staff that are trying to do a difficult job. Where I see or experience excellent care, I write to the custodial manager and let them know. Everyone deserves recognition for good deeds – even prison officers.
Many times I used to sit in the visiting room and expect the other people in the room to be different from me. I expected I wouldn’t have anything in common with them (someone I missed the fact that we all have someone inside!) This meant I didn’t go out of my way to be friendly or talk to them. Thank goodness I got over myself and saw that my expectation was unrealistic and judgemental. I expect instead now that others in the room are hurting and going through just as much as I am. They have had their values challenged just as much as I have. They experience society’s judgements on family members of people in prison the same as I do. Instead of letting my wrong expectations rule my behaviour, I am glad I saw the expectations I had of others in the room for what they were- isolating, uncaring, setting me up as better than others. Instead I try to walk in the room, smile and say hello to someone else. I have now met so many new people, learnt new things, and experienced support – all in the waiting room.
Finally what about the expectations I have of myself. To be honest, I expect I should manage everything that is happening beautifully and be at peace all the time. I should set a perfect example even when people or systems frustrate me. I should not get angry or show signs of tears. I should be able to post insightful and funny posts on facebook or twitter, and laugh and be happy all the time. Even though I feel like I am going through hell, I expect I can continue to do all the activities I used to do with the same amount of energy and more.
What expectations are the most unrealistic? Its easy in hindsight to see that it is those I have of myself. If I were even half of what I expect myself to be would make me God or at least an angel. Why do I expect something of myself that humanly isn’t possible? Of all the examples of expectations above, this expectation is the most life restricting. In trying to meet my own expectations of myself, I can never actually be who I am. I can also never be truly there for my person inside or the rest of the family.
This years challenge… (and yes I am already too late for new years resolutions), is to be more realistic about what I can and can’t do with everything that is happening. It is to expect that I be me, the person who will laugh and be happy, and also at times cry and feel overwhelmed. That’s a typical expectation of a human in these circumstances. I might even try to give myself a break! Or even tell someone else I could do with a coffee so they can give me some needed support.
As Louise Hay says.. letting go of the expectations frees me to be me. What are your expectations that might be holding you back too?
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