No matter how much you think you can plan for this day, it may impact you more than you think. You may have been expecting a sentence of time in prison or this may have come as a shock. You might have been sitting in the courtroom hearing and seeing your son, daughter, husband, or even your grandchild behind the dock, knowing you have no power to change anything in this moment. The time has come and your world may be about to look different.

For many of us it hurts a lot. The guilt can feel overwhelming even though you may have nothing to do with what has taken place. For others the sentencing is a relief of not having to live with the person who might have been destroying themselves and those around them. The questions will arise, such as how could this happen, what will others think, and what will I do now? You feel like your dreams for that person have gone down the drain. Allow yourself time to grieve those dreams. Name the fears you have, and know that others have faced them too, and come through. You are not alone, although you may feel it right now.

It is easy to relate to your person by the wrong choices they have made. Although it might be challenging, try to remember who the person is rather than what they have done. They will get judgement enough from other people, and need you to remind them of who they are – a son, partner, grandchild etc. By remembering the person as someone special to you can also assist you to keep thinking of positive things about them.

It can be helpful that you accept them or forgive them for their decisions. This does not mean that you think their behavior and choices have been right. It does not mean that you forget what they have done either. Forgiving someone can allow you however to carry on with life as best you can.

Right now even though you may feel ashamed of them, they may need your love more than ever.  However this love needs to be shown in a way that is going to have clear boundaries and allow them to face the consequences of their fall so they can grow.  Putting boundaries in place may have been difficult in the past due to the person’s challenging behaviour.   If you are unsure how to set good boundaries, seek support from a social worker, psychologist or counsellor.  There are also some good resources online you might want to access.

There are many days where you might feel like what you are going through will never end. There are many questions about ‘What if I had done this or that’ which you may never be able to answer.  You are not alone in this. Although these are normal thoughts, don’t underestimate the impact of what you are going through right now.  It can impact on your relationships, work, every day activities and even your physical and emotional health.

Find some space to think about what it is you need right now.  When you are in shock, this can be difficult to do.  Is it figuring out how to tell the children? It might be working out how the bills will be paid now.  Perhaps it is a person you can talk to without fear of judgement? It might be just taking 10 minutes to just stop and breathe…. to find a reason to keep on going.  It isn’t selfish.  It may be the saving of who you are for yourself, your family, and the person inside.

Will I get through this in one piece is a common thought.   There are those of us who have been in your place, and we look back and see that we did get through.   It may not have been without challenges, but we are l living, not just surviving, but yes living.   Transformational growth is a term used where a person is able to live through a traumatic experience and come out a better person.   It doesn’t mean we want the negative experience, but that going through this may make us stronger,  able to put in better boundaries, recognise what really are the important things in life, and take action to keep developing as a person.   This can be you too one day.   Hold on to that hope that you are not alone in this and gain strength from knowing others have travelled this path too!

If you are feeling overwhelmed and are having difficulty coping, or you would like to talk to someone about how you are feeling phone lifeline on

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