A good friend reminded me of a commitment we had made to each other last year that we weren’t going to let the fact our family members were inside steal our happiness. I really agree with the concept of thinking positive and trying to see the good things in life. For a long time I had a real sense I was ‘achieving’ the commitment we had made, and thought I had ‘nailed’ this being happy part through all this, but then I got caught up in this really sad place and I couldn’t get myself out of it.
All those intense feelings of sadness mixed with guilt, shame, and tiredness just flooded back and overwhelmed again. Was I indulging in a pity party? Was I letting down other members in my family because I had no energy? Was I not relying on my faith enough?
Why couldn’t I just let this go and stop doing the time again for my family member?
When my friend reminded me of our commitment, it felt like I was failing. It seemed like she was saying I should pull myself together and get through this.. like ‘just stop it!’ I know she probably didn’t mean this, but it kind of didn’t help. I just didn’t feel I had the energy at the time to try to be happy just because she said I should be joyful. I then turned down the lunch date and started to avoid her as I felt I wasn’t doing good enough to meet her expectations.
If this describes how you feel sometimes, you are in good company. Not all days are the same. Nothing in life is a bed of roses all the time, and that’s ok because that is life. Having someone inside makes it more likely we will have hard sad days. It’s inevitable. When someone is inside the grieving process is continuous. Part of this because you can’t be with that person, and you know what they are missing out on, but also because there are also many things out of our control. Many unanswered whys, and a big part of us is locked away literally. And sometimes the only way to get back to a better place is to allow yourself permission to be sad for a time.
During these times keep practicing healthy coping strategies such as exercise, getting out in nature, and eating properly. Spend time with people who are important to you, and ring that friend on speed dial – the one that gets all this, and you can call anytime. In some areas there are support groups for people who also have others inside, there is also online support groups such as the Prison Talk Forum (http://www.prisontalk.com/) or Facebook pages such as ‘From Prison to Purpose’ that can give you a sense of hope again.
Many people find journaling or listening to mindfulness or meditation apps can be helpful. Allowing yourself freedom to not do the housework or those extra projects for a few days so you can rest can be good. Better still, what is it you love doing and go do it! Having ready made meals in the freezer for those blue days can help you to look after yourself. My favourite go-to also is keeping that emergency chocolate bar in the cupboard to just treat yourself.
Sometimes however it can get all too much. Many of us have become depressed, found ourselves crying a lot of the time and feeling like you just can’t get out of bed. Talking to your doctor can help. They can help you access counselling, or provide some short term medication (or even send you for a full blood test and help you realise your iron levels are too low which also makes you feel exhausted and unable to cope). They can help suggest things to rebuild your inner strength again and get you through this time.
Know that sad days come to us all. When you wake up and that day is there:
- Don’t judge yourself for being sad
- Accept that it’s okay in your circumstances to feel sad and don’t try to fight it
- Don’t question if you are good enough instead remind yourself you are; and
- Know you are not failing yourself or anyone.
Sad feelings are normal for someone in our shoes. When they come, accept that you are not at your best, and remind yourself it’s okay to take care of you!
This sadness won’t always be overwhelming . You will find strength, hope and joy again!