R U OK?

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I saw yellow and black posters on the wall. R U OK? September 10 is the national R U Ok day in Australia. A day to ask others who may be struggling R U Ok? I know how critical it is that we make sure each other are OK but right now, I don’t know anyone that is OK.

With COVID-19, the consequences of bushfires and drought, remembrance of Christchurch shootings. We are all to some degree or another not OK and that is OK!

When you have someone inside, its also normal to be not OK. Just like if you have received a diagnosis of cancer and don’t know if the treatment will work or not, or you have lost your job and there doesn’t seem to be any new jobs that fit your skills advertised. You don’t need to pretend you are travelling along fine when you are not.

Because you shed many tears wondering how on earth having someone inside could happen to you doesn’t mean you have something wrong with you. It means you are a normal human being who is trying the best they can to deal with an abnormal situation where you have very little control. It’s not ok!

You may have already gone through a lot of emotional or physical abuse prior to the person going inside. That’s not ok! The bills might be piling up and you don’t know how you are going to pay the next one because there is not the other person who was there previously to bring in the money. It’s not ok. You may have just got off the phone hearing and been told about some of the harsh things that can happen inside and you feel so helpless. It’s not ok!

A reader shared this week that they knew they were not ok and reached out to an organisation just cause they needed someone to talk to that might help make sense of the chaos (see our list of organisations in your area). They received a phone call from a person who had gone through the experience of someone inside. It was someone that knew what they were going through. Someone that helped make some sense.

The reader said they don’t know where they would be if it wasnt for that phone call. They said just talking to someone who knew what it felt like to have someone inside made such a difference. Someone who told them it’s ok to be not ok. Someone that didn’t however leave them in that space but gave them hope.

This week, take some time to be kind to yourself. Let yourself sit with that hot drink a little longer, breathe a deep breath. And if someone asks you R U OK? feel their care and share your pain a little more… cause one day you will be more ok than you are today. You will get through this!

If you are feeling its all a bit overwhelming (which is normal too when you have a person inside) and don’t have someone to talk to, call LIFELINE: Australia 131114 or text 0477 13 11 14 or New Zealand Call 0800 LIFELINE (0800 543 354) or text HELP (4357) for free.

Where you see others who might be struggling, don’t forget to ask if they are ok, listen to them, encourage them to take action and don’t forget to check in with them too.

Sometimes it don’t feel so good

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A good friend reminded me of a commitment we had made to each other last year that we weren’t going to let the fact our family members were inside steal our happiness. I really agree with the concept of thinking positive and trying to see the good things in life. For a long time I had a real sense I was ‘achieving’ the commitment we had made, and thought I had ‘nailed’ this being happy part through all this, but then I got caught up in this really sad place and I couldn’t get myself out of it.

All those intense feelings of sadness mixed with guilt, shame, and tiredness just flooded back and overwhelmed again. Was I indulging in a pity party? Was I letting down other members in my family because I had no energy? Was I not relying on my faith enough?

Why couldn’t I just let this go and stop doing the time again for my family member?

When my friend reminded me of our commitment, it felt like I was failing. It seemed like she was saying I should pull myself together and get through this.. like ‘just stop it!’ I know she probably didn’t mean this, but it kind of didn’t help. I just didn’t feel I had the energy at the time to try to be happy just because she said I should be joyful. I then turned down the lunch date and started to avoid her as I felt I wasn’t doing good enough to meet her expectations.

If this describes how you feel sometimes, you are in good company. Not all days are the same. Nothing in life is a bed of roses all the time, and that’s ok because that is life. Having someone inside makes it more likely we will have hard sad days. It’s inevitable. When someone is inside the grieving process is continuous. Part of this because you can’t be with that person, and you know what they are missing out on, but also because there are also many things out of our control. Many unanswered whys, and a big part of us is locked away literally. And sometimes the only way to get back to a better place is to allow yourself permission to be sad for a time.

During these times keep practicing healthy coping strategies such as exercise, getting out in nature, and eating properly. Spend time with people who are important to you, and ring that friend on speed dial – the one that gets all this, and you can call anytime. In some areas there are support groups for people who also have others inside, there is also online support groups such as the Prison Talk Forum (http://www.prisontalk.com/) or Facebook pages such as ‘From Prison to Purpose’ that can give you a sense of hope again.

Many people find journaling or listening to mindfulness or meditation apps can be helpful. Allowing yourself freedom to not do the housework or those extra projects for a few days so you can rest can be good. Better still, what is it you love doing and go do it! Having ready made meals in the freezer for those blue days can help you to look after yourself. My favourite go-to also is keeping that emergency chocolate bar in the cupboard to just treat yourself.

Sometimes however it can get all too much. Many of us have become depressed, found ourselves crying a lot of the time and feeling like you just can’t get out of bed. Talking to your doctor can help. They can help you access counselling, or provide some short term medication (or even send you for a full blood test and help you realise your iron levels are too low which also makes you feel exhausted and unable to cope). They can help suggest things to rebuild your inner strength again and get you through this time.

Know that sad days come to us all. When you wake up and that day is there:

  • Don’t judge yourself for being sad
  • Accept that it’s okay in your circumstances to feel sad and don’t try to fight it
  • Don’t question if you are good enough instead remind yourself you are; and
  • Know you are not failing yourself or anyone.

Sad feelings are normal for someone in our shoes. When they come, accept that you are not at your best, and remind yourself it’s okay to take care of you!

This sadness won’t always be overwhelming . You will find strength, hope and joy again!

A blue Christmas

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‘Have you got all your decorations up?’ I was asked.

Every year I have put on the Christmas carols and decorated the Christmas tree while singing along with family. It was a time when I intentionally thought about the good things that had happened that past year, children’s milestones, different adventures, fun times, but this particular year I couldn’t. I just felt so blue.

How can one could do Christmas when a special person was locked away and not able to be there. I didn’t know how to do this, and lost in my grief and loss, nothing about this time of the year felt like Christmas.

I wanted to cry every time I thought about getting the Christmas tree out. And that year it never came out. The decorations stayed in their boxes.

You are not alone if feeling this way. Others have too and got through it. The following year I read a post on Prison Talk (an online forum for people with someone in prison) that a woman whose son was away set up a Blue Christmas project. Many others joined her and you may want to think of something similar yourself. That year this person put blue lights around the tree – representing that she was feeling blue because a loved one was inside and couldn’t be there. The blue colour she wrote also gave a sense of calm. Other people also posted of putting up blue lights, lighting a blue candle, adding a blue ribbon to a wreath, and similar ideas.

Doing something special, something new with this person in mind can help one feel that they are still part of your Christmas. It may not involve a blue light. It could be a photo decoration with the persons photo inside, it might be something that reminds you of something positive about that person, i.e. an ornament that reflects something they like. Another woman I know makes or buys a new Christmas tree decoration each year that reflects a key event. The year her son went away she hung up a wooden cross with a gold love heart hanging on it. She tells me it still goes up every year although he is out now.

The Blue Christmas project is one idea that I could have energy to do and reflects how I feel. It makes me feel I am not alone in this, there were others with blue lights up too. It also reminds me, that even with someone inside, life still goes on, and I have a contribution to make to those around me – even in keeping family traditions and making the time enjoyable and special for them. Although a lot of our worry and thought is for the one inside, others are just as important.

If you decide to do something, make sure you tell the person inside what you are doing. Let them know when you are putting it up and that it is about remembering them at this time also.

You may decide not to do Christmas like I did the first year. I can’t say it was a great time, and although I felt I didn’t have any energy at that time to do any different, I determined I wouldn’t do that again the next Christmas. It just left me feeling more depressed.

You may also be feeling like this. If so, can I encourage you to talk to someone, whether a friend you know, Lifeline, beyondblue, a counsellor or even your GP. It is hard and none of us can do this alone. We aren’t made that way. There is support available and it can help us be stronger and get through using positive ways of coping.

May I wish you this year no matter your circumstances, a Christmas where you are able to feel love and peace and share that with those around you both inside and out.