Visiting with COVID!

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I guess, like me, many of you trying to visit someone in prison were glad to see the back of 2020 thinking COVID was going to be all over. Then we had more in 2021, and now with another peak in COVID numbers some prisons across Australia and New Zealand still either wont allow visitors at this current time, or do but with restrictions.

Just putting it out there, visits with masks and gloves on isn’t quite the same. You want to visit to connect with your loved one, but instead you can’t touch a person and give them a hug and a kiss. Not being able to see their whole face because there is a mask on feels like you cant work out really want they are feeling. Sitting at least 1.5 metres away in the same room as others sitting 1.5 meters away means everyone is also yelling to get heard. There is no way you can get all the conversation. One older woman in one visit told me it’s even worse for those with hearing or sight impairment.

I come away from the visit these days often more frustrated than when I went in. Yes, I saw my loved one but it was hard and just flings back in my face all the wrong in this journey.

It can be upsetting visiting under these conditions and I know some who just can’t visit because all the above is too difficult. That’s okay. Remember we all need to put our self care up there because dealing with someone inside is hard enough. I know some say that our loved ones need us more than ever now. Agree, they can do, but better you are still sane and can visit and communicate when can, then become unwell yourself due to too much stress and not be able to be there at all.

I still continue to go when able with the changing restrictions but I lower my expectations for the kind of visit I am going to have. I know I cant just hold them in my arms. I cant feel their skin. But I can know they are being kept as safe as can be with COVID around.

I know from my person the harsh reality of having COVID has been for some of the people in their wing. Yes, some just got cold like symptoms, but others in nearby cells have been really sick and thought they were going to die. I know what it’s like being really unwell at home with all the comforts around. I can only imagine the additional pain in a place where it is cold, harsh, and no family who care around.

It’s been great to see more prisons using video calls. Having advocated for this for many years, now it seems to be standard practice in many prisons. It makes it so much easier seeing someone, even if online, when you live a long way away.

With COVID, visiting has been harder and more frustrating. But this will not last forever, and my person is well and still alive!

You have permission!

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We live hours away from the prison and I had hung out for this visit. Being so far away we don’t get to visit often. After waiting in the queue at the reception desk I approached the counter, smiled and said my name and who I had come to see. The woman looked at the computer then back at me and said calmly, ‘You don’t have a visit booked in.’

I felt the stares of everyone in the room piercing my back. I knew they were uncomfortable. I could feel the tension in the room growing as I stood there.

I know I had a visit booked! I had spent ages on the phone trying to organise a special visit (meaning a double visit) due to living so far away. Three days ago the manager had phoned me back and said it was all organised. And now, my visit was no longer in the system! Frustration was putting it mildly after driving for hours that morning, and now knowing I wouldn’t be seeing my son again for a long time.

The woman at the desk tried to be helpful. She apologised and told that unfortunately nothing could be done. No visit was going to happen that day. I could make another appointment though.

Only someone who has had deal with the prison system knows the helplessness that you feel when things like this happen. it would have been easy to just accept the fact and walk away. Who has spare energy when faced with a system like Corrections.

But not having a visit would affect more than just me. It would also affect the person I was going to visit. You may call it stubborn, but I felt I had the right to ask for this to be fixed. I gave myself permission to remain there, with everyone watching on, and kindly asked to speak to the manager.,

Dealing with the Corrections system is difficult at the best of times. However you have a right to see wrongs that happen in the system addressed. When something doesn’t go as it should, I encourage you not to walk out that door and just say that is the prison system, nothing can work. Instead stand up! Know you have a right to good service. Use your voice for the sake of yourself and the person inside. Ask to speak to a superior!

After being firm about wanting to speak to a manager, one came. The man tried nicely to explain the challenges they had with letting me visit at this time. I told the person calmly and politely that I understood their challenges, however it was not my problem that one of his staff made a mistake in the visits system. The manager was generous enough to listen, and I offered a practical solution – the outcome, a visit was granted in a family interview room.

It may be a visit that wasn’t put in the system when you had booked it, or a document you sent in now gone missing.. Just because you have someone inside doesn’t mean you have no rights. You do have rights and you have permission to ask for resolution of issues, either at the time, or through avenues such as the Department of Corrections, or the Ombudsman where all else fails.

You may not always get what you should, but remember, mistakes will continue to be made, and there will be little change for the better unless we all support each other to stand strong and use our voice when we need to!

A visit cut short

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leaves

This week I saw it again.  A person taken away from the visiting room unexpectedly and their loved one left sitting.. crying.

I wanted to walk over and give her a hug. Before I could move, a kind hearted prison warden was by her side with their hand on her shoulder comforting her, handing her a tissue. Bless that prison warden!

I wanted to say to the woman ‘ You are not alone’. I too have been where you are and felt the shame. At the time it happened on my visit I knew that if the wardens saw and heard the threats and abuse, everyone else in the room did too. I felt so helpless and pathetic. I could see the others looking at me. I didn’t want their sympathy. I just wished that the floor would swallow me up!

I wanted to tell the woman that no-one in that room would have looked down on her in judgement. Instead, we sit with her in her grief. Many of us have visited someone who was responding out of anger, frustration, whatever had just happened in the unit, or was still unsaid from previous conversations.  It was not my fault nor that particular women that the other person decided to let it out on us in our visit.

I don’t think those inside realise sometimes how much it takes to walk inside a prison for a visit, the impact of sitting in court, dealing with questions let alone trying to manage what else life throws at you.  Many don’t understand how much energy it takes to hold the pain of everyone in the family outside alongside of the person inside too.  Don’t they say the loved ones get hurt the most!

I hope that when the time is safe, right and the pain has eased that this woman will feel able to come again and hold her head up. I know she will come again.. we often live with the expectation this is our role and we need to be there.  Sometimes, we need to take a break from visiting for our own sanity, and to show that although we can understand why it happens, that it isn’t healthy or appropriate.  It can highlight that we need to review those boundaries.

Next time you see that woman, or that man who had their visit cut short, take the opportunity to smile at them. Tell them to keep strong. Let them know that as a community with someone inside that we are with them.  Let’s show we care!

Check out an earlier post on this topic ‘Visiting room sabotage’.