Receiving letters or email where possible is a highlight for most people in prison. We think about people being locked up but the reality is that the silence can be deafening, just as the song says. Most prisoners are locked up in their cells for the majority of the day. Sometimes for my person, they have been locked up for 23 out of 24 hours due to staff shortages. This can break some people who can become lost in their own mind and suffer mental health issues as a result.
Where one is in a single cell or even shared cells, receiving a letter can be the thing that keeps the person going. It can remind them that they are of value in the outside world. However it may not be just as easy as writing a few words on a page.
I can remember the first letters I wrote when my person went inside. I was so angry at them. How could they do this to themselves, but also to me, to others that were important to their lives. It was really hard to sit down and write something that might be constructive and be encouraging that they might know that they were loved, but how much I hated the situation. When I now feel angry about something and am writing to my person, I am intentional to write only a couple of sentences and say I am angry. It’s no point writing a whole page, not for you or them. Nothing is going to change the situation right now. It is however important to say what is the ‘elephant in the room’ and get it out there. Having raised it in an email briefly can help you to talk more about it on a visit if needed. Just sometimes going into too much detail in an email or letter isn’t the most effective way to deal with something.
Firstly I ask my person what they would like me to write about. This is different for everyone, however most people I have spoken to say that people just want to know what is happening. They want to be reminded of normal life on the outside – especially things that are going well. When things are not going so well, it can add more stress as they cannot do anything to help. It doesn’t mean to say don’t tell them, but perhaps word it in a way that it is a struggle and you are working through it.
I now structure my email into four sections. I found when I first started writing that it was really draining as I felt emotionally exhausted thinking about what I was writing. Memories came up, both good and bad. The reality of the situation also was overwhelming at times. I now keep to five sections that we have been found to be useful for my person. It also gave me a template and stopped my tears each time I wrote too.
Section 1: Encouragement and love
For my person I always start my letters or emails saying I love them and some words to the effect they are missed. They tell me that it is important for them to know they are still a person, that they have been heard and someone is batting for them. No matter how angry I feel, I know how important this is for them to hear this. Being angry is my issue, not theirs – yes even if their behaviour caused bad things to happen to me, being angry is my problem. This doesn’t mean I don’t address their behaviour and let it go. I just don’t start out every email by not letting them forget it.
I also try to encourage them to continue with some positive behaviour or actions they have told me they are trying. If there is only a short time left of the lag, I might remind them of that and what activities we have planned for when they get out.
Section 2: Family updates.
I talk about general family things, and anything interesting I might be doing. Some people have asked if that would make it worse for the person as they would feel they are being left out. Everyone is different as mentioned above and important for you to ask your person. Take note though that if this is the first time a person is inside, they may not yet know what they want, so check in with them after a few letters/emails and see if what you have written is helpful.
Section 3. An inspirational story or wise sayings
My person states they really enjoy this, and I don’t know if this is also more beneficial for them or me. My person says reading these stories and quotes inspires them to be better. They have plenty of time to think about the messages in these stories and quotes and how they could apply it to their lives. They also share them with others in their unit. I now have a list of sites on the intranet where I can easily find inspirational stories and quotes and put one into each email.
Section 4: Logic puzzles or jokes
Keeping ones brain active can be challenging in a prison where there is little decision making or choice. My person enjoys doing logic puzzles and working out riddles and jokes. Putting one of these in each email is an opportunity for them to use brain cells that might otherwise be dormant during their time in prison. It gives them something to also talk to others about. Even if they are poor dad jokes!
Just like with the stories, I have created a list of websites that have logic puzzles, riddles and jokes in them so I can just pull out one and put it in the email. Do remember that on some sites, jokes may often contain bad language. Emails can be stopped if there is bad language in them. If you want your emails to get through, do read them jokes, (and also stories – I did have one story I missed the swear word and I got the advice email back from Corrections facility giving me a warning!)
Section 5: Saying goodbye
My person says that reading they are loved is the most important thing in every email. Saying goodbye is a chance for you to say you love them again.
Finally people ask me often should they write? That is really up to you. In the first year I pushed myself to write everyday and felt guilty if I didn’t. It took its toll in both the time to do this, but also other relationships in my life. I found I couldn’t keep this up, and also started to see email writing a burden. I had to question why I was doing this.
I now write 2 – 3 times per week and my person is happy with this. I also feel that this amount is sustainable and allows me to continue living. Think about not only what the person inside may need, but what you also need.
Happy writing!
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